There is no competing with sentimental value. I know how rare they are, that they are no longer made, I know how much they sell for and I know.....I am chasing a dream with it. I cant help it though, when I set my mind to something, it just grinds at me. Regardless, I will just have to shine a regular ring until it glows, I guess....no amount of plat or ingots or anything I have to offer can compete with memories. ...On to plan B

It's black, as black as the absense of colour can possibly be. Like velvet, it plays out before me, the surface unblemished, unrippled...soft and flowing, a relfection upon itself. It looks so warm, so inviting, like it would envelope me, curl around my form and hold it close, in stasis. My heart says slip in, fall, go...my mind knows that its touch is icy, its beguiling calm only a front. To slip beneath would be to lose..everything.

It makes me think, the heart and mind, they fight so. So often in conflict, so often warring amongst themselves for control. Which is right? Which wrong? The mind, it often leans on the side of caution, chastising us so verily for our mistakes. The mind is a wonderful critic, in hindsight it inevitably sees all the pitfalls which it neglected to mention beforehand. The heart, it just does, it thinks not of consequences or losing...not at the start at least, when it is young and fresh, full of life and beating a cacophony of sound against your ribs, through your veins.

But it ages, it ages and slowly it becomes that little bit more caged, that little bit more held within its prison and the mind sits and atagonises it, replaying its failures over and over to torment. Why do we battle amongst ourselves, why do our thoughts doubt us and our memories trouble us? Or is that once again, just me.

Last time..last time I tried, I stood ..I stood and I gave myself and for what? For nothing..I was left with nothing but the bitter taste of my own idiocy and my mind repeating over and over that I had known I should not have. What of now?

I might just do away with them both, mind and heart, throw them in the bloody river and be done with it.............I need more sunshine, or more ale..Im not quite decided yet.

I guess it's tough really, we don't get what we want and we don't always have the freedom to feel the way we wish to. I can't not have hope, I can't give up faith and I can't give in. I have a guild, I have things I Must be resposible for..sometimes in life we have to realise that our own experiences and feelings can inadvertantly seep into others...I wont make anyone jaded, just because I am so.

So it's tough, it doesnt matter how uphill it is, or that I will probably never win any battle, nor crest any ridge..it's not important. We do not have freedom of choice as we think we do, not when we are lined with conscience. I guess thats why the little book gets it all, if I release here, I don't release there.

Gah, I think I am getting old, I am starting to repeat myself, or..something.

Sometimes you wake, and you have no energy to face the battering that people want to throw your way. Instead of it all just slipping off as it usually would, the daily barrage just drags you down, and it's all just another thing that chips away at you. Some people revel in their own fortune and gain their pleasure from tormenting those less so. Some people have no real friendships, they have friends merely to raise their own positions, not as a give and take relationship, but purely as a one way deal. I know I am being cynycal and miserable. I cant help it, today I am just worn, I started out worn and they have just worn me down that little bit more every time. I've no fight left.

It has occured to me though, it's now, now I am feeling so low..that I ache to see him. Not so I can complain, but just so I can forget.

There is an old adage:- United we stand, divided we fall, it's true. It's the way of the world. I know it's the most corny pile of crap, but it doesnt make it any less real. We all struggle...with everything, with ourselves, against the darkness, with self doubt, with the demons, with evil, with trying to make our way and make something good and new and bright. Everyone wants to make their mark, stamp their values onto the world....but no one wants to be part of something bigger.

I had an idea, just a small spark of nothing, I talked to three people about it...I was just..I have no faith, today I have no faith. I've no faith that we will ever win, that anything will ever chance, you know why? Because no one is willing to relinquish what little they have for something bigger.

It's an uphill battle against the impenetrable...not the evil, but pride and ignorance on masse.. dreams are for dreamers, idealism is for idealists......... There are no real and alive dreamers anymore.

Today, I think I completely lost all hope. I feel so completetly and utterly lost, like I have fought a battle I never saw coming, I'm not even out of the gates and already defeat is upon me. I just want to curl up and never actually try anything..and that hurdle one.

Whats the point, life will go on as before, nothing will change for the better of for the worse, it will just continue, on its track..one way, until it just runs out.

Yes, today..Valorn, no...human nature, stole a piece of my heart and the last of my innocence.

Im neurotic, it's a fact, Im insecure and I question everything, thats another fact..this stuff I know, I've never said I held no faults, far from it. His words still swim in my head, a smile at my lips but a torrent of doubt within my guts..not at him, I know what he says he means, at least, he means if for the now. I did not realise how worried I was about him leaving, I never allowed myself the freedom of thinking he would not. I keep myself a little guarded, even now, even when he gave himself, when he told me he was staying.

Self doubt, my own self doubt, rips me apart so often. Everyone leaves in the end, just gone..so many I cannot begin to count. I have hurt just about every person that ever deigned get close, it seems to be what I am good at. I even warned him, I warn most now...a great sales pitch huh? Tus was right, all those moons ago. That stupid name, though he said he never meant it, sometimes there is no escaping the truth of something.

You know what I have noticed? I complain alot, think too much, worry incessantly and generally go around in circles. Im such a screw up. Is anyone else this way, are other peoples thoughts this tumultuous, this questioning? Or is it just me? My confidence, I know what I am, I know what I can do..but my fear about myself is that once they get past the outer shell, and onto what I really am; the little mess of a woman who tries just to live and breathe, it wont be enough.

It doesnt sound alot does it, not alot to offer anyone at all. But there it is, thats what he's got.

They are conspiritorial little gits! But gods how I love them, I blushed profusely, I was completely speachless for a good while. Damn them, I love them all so, I wish I was half as deserving as they believe me to be. Thank you guys, I love you...you could have got me a korunga fruit an I would have been just as ecstatic. Thank you, did I say that yet?

It's time to get my head into gear and really start thinking, I want it to be something good, something that will make him think, but make him smile. Ahh...a riddle, perhaps I shall drag a few volunteers into it also..it should take him some time to get it done I hope. I dont have alot of time though, it needs to be soon, I know he is away for a little while. I miss him so. I dont even know whom he talks to...strange that, no? We lead seperate lives that join only with us, I guess.

There are so many types of love, and it is infinate. We as humans have the capacity for more than we can ever comprehend. We feel sometimes, like we could burst with it, so much emotion, so many people, but we can always fit another, encompass a little more, take another into our hearts and minds. There are so many amazing people, so many wonderful, sparkling examples of true warmth. Shawna, my girl, I dont care what the cleric says, she's mine! She gave me a present this morning, just a gift, something that came from her own hands and her own heart. She said she had made 5, different shells, and had given them to people in her life. She made me smile so big. I love her to bits, woe betide the first person to hurt her, she is loved by so many.

We spoke, the thief and I...words akin to promises, as close to as we will get I think. He accepted me, as I come. His words were bold, things I never expected to hear from his lips, things that shook me, though I did not show it. I questioned him, asked if he meant it...I am still so, I just.. He always said he had nothing to offer me, no heart to speak of, no love to give me. He always said we have the now, the future will be as it may, but what he gave me was the furture. I dont know, he has me so confused so much of the time.

And then marcs with the cleric...though I know not how to express those. I know not much of anything at all, except the knowledge that I am complicated, and life is never simple.

I feel like banging my head into the wall repeatedly, over and over until I dont kno...either I ave a really bad headache or it knocks some kind of answers into me. Perpetual, it never ends, I am destined to live in ever decreasing circles, always running over the same ground.

I want to shout and scream and throw my shame to the wind, I want to sigh and curl up and never think again, I want not to feel and I want to feel it all. It's late, Im tired..today has just been...another day, tomorrow will just be another. Sometimes you can talk until you are blue in the face, all you manage to do is turn a pretty colour and steal a little more oxygen from the world. GAH!

Loss. You never really get over it, you encompass it, without accepting it, you move around it, without ever really passing it. It nags and bites, tickles the back of your mind every now and again. It's in a smile, a scent, a place...a song. It's there at a time, it's felt ...no, it's not felt is it? It's the absense, the deep aching throb in a place within you that you cannot touch. It's not your stomach, nor your heart, there is not a physical place you hold it...it's the imaginary void, thats where you keep loss. Where it touches you and settles salt upon your cheek. It's heavy, it weighs an incalculable amount that differs and fluctuates with time. It presses on you so hard sometimes, so hard that you cannot take a step for fear of collapsing beneath its attack. Other times it is akin to air itself, definately there, but not something you have to fight with just to stand tall.

I don't care what anyone says, you do not get over losing...you just learn to live with it mostly, just waiting until such a time, every time, it takes hold of you again. I will cry a river so full and free of salt and grief before my time is done, over and over for the same people. Stolen taken and ground to the wind. It will do me no good, it will bring me no release to sit within my bubble and let them flow...but sometimes, just sometimes..we cannot dam the stream.

One day, when I cast whats left of me to the fates and become whatever lies with fates sway, perhaps loss will be swept away. Perhaps I shall see and find all that which was taken so quickly, so freely. Maybe one day, when I gaze upon the fields of Elysium, there will be no void, no weight, no time and salt and the taste bitter regret. There will be only release and I will smile my way around loss, as if it were but a pebble in the road.

Wish you were here.

Hmph! a golden ring and a wp....bah!

WOOOHOOO, a new portal, two treasure boxes a glowing gold and two violets...thats what I call a mornings farming!


AND a red...but the machine sucks and only ever gives me giberish, now, I bet the two boxes are journals. BUT! Can't bring me down, one new portal assures that.

I will win, I know I will...I hold far more patience than he, but..it's not for the winning, but purely because it makes him smile to be challenged, to have a little of the unpredictable. To have someone test his will, push him to respond and yet, still have easy conversations over nothing but everyday crap. I love to surprise him, to invade where he did not think me possible, I am determined where he is concerned. I love that glint in his eye when I have caught him unaware, it stirs me, makes me think more, do more.
I promised him a riddle, I shall have to think of one. I am sure he just loves to be led a merry dance, but nonetheless it will please him, and that will please me. A prince among thieves.

I actually considered training for a brief fleeting moment. Very curious, Im not sure what came over me, I think I must have flu, or some such nastiness...best to stay away from the training for another 6 months or so.

I wasnt going to write today, nothing seemed particularly noteworthy and I had nothing 'profound' to say. Gods, this is already a cynical, pessemistic entry and I am not past two lines yet, but I need to set this feeling loose.

I sit within the glade, the boles of the trees keep the chill at bay, affording me at least a little warmth. The breeze is gentle, just stirring the winter blooms and sweeping the scent around me. If I close my eyes, the low hum of the breeze as it passes through the stones speaks of untold answers, of everything I want to hear, but never in words I can understand. The rock beneath me, though the air holds winters bite in it's palm, the surface of the rock remains warm still.

If I could blow a bubble big enough, I would encapture this little haven and rest myself within. Sit and stay, while time slips past and I watch, just sit and watch. Maybe I would learn something about time, about life or love, about answers and about questions. Maybe I would lose myself in the lonliness, maybe save myself in the quiet. Who knows?

I am sat and all manner of things course a path through my mind, wearing a trough and they swirl around, continuous. One lone thought flits to the conscious part of my mind and I catch it, hold it for a moment, study it. This place in which I am sat, the bubble I am thinking of...it's just another cage of glass...all it would do, is create another outward relflection of...well...just another way to shut myself away...is it possible to lose yourself in yourself?

Sometimes, no matter what you do, you just arent the right thing, or you dont have the right skills, or the right tone. Or maybe you are just poking your nose in where it's not wanted. Sometimes, though you can make someone laugh, you cannot stop them running, or cure their yearning, or fix..anything. Sometimes they need something else, and it's just not you. I've had one of those days, weeks even. I just seem to make things worse, not better...and nothing that passes my lips seems to aid anyone, perhaps thats a sure sign to just shut up from now on.

So, sorry to all those that have suffered me these last few days. I think I have upset Gareth somehow also, yet again. This time I am completely oblivious to what I could possibly have done. I dont know why it affects me so much, but I can't seem to cope as well, when I know he is upset with me. And yes, I know..how dare I put on him like that, I know I shouldnt and I know it's wrong. Im just gonna keep quiet and low for a bit, I feel so..exposed...judged. But then, I probably deserve that.

Nothing I write past this point is going to seem anything but fickle, so...it's time to just shut up and get on with it.

ARGH! He's here, Im not, Im here, he's not..it's driving me mental. It's like we miss each other by moments. Muh, stupid time and its stupid constraints...here we go again. You know, it's occured to me lately, I just..I havent even had time to write here. Not a moment to spare to just be able to sit and write properly about anything real, only stolen moments to babble incoherent gibberish..um, much like now I guess.

I was never the most responsible of people, lets just be honest, Im a little worried about what I put the guild through, I know I am hard work. Im trying..well, I am trying my best when Im awake, but Im fumbling in the dark, too much, too little.

Apparently I upset someone, thats not new either huh. I meant it completely in jest, Im so surprised it was taken any way but jest. I tried to apologise and explain, but I dont think they want to hear it. I never meant to hurt anyones feelings, I was just teasing. I guess I need to hold my sense of humour sometimes, it's not always understood or appreciated by others...and I have a tendancy to be a little acerbic and sometimes I guess thats taken to heart. Im sorry.

Note: I love Trip, to BITS...yes, the lil git gets right on my nerves, and is horrible to me, and I am horrible to him in return..however, he is my little soul, and when I have to go without him, it kills me..just, so I've said it.

The party, I can't thank everyone enough, I enjoyed myself so much, it was an absolute riot. Bryg was fantastic, I have never seen anything like it, it was just amazing, I shall have to get her something nice and for Trip and Emmy and Merrytoo, they made a real effort for me...and I am demanding and put alot onto them I know, they rock, I can't thank them enough.

I win

Is it too early to miss him yet?

He's boycotting me, how can you boycott a person...what? He's gonna abstain from Celestia in order to force me to..WHAT? Damn rogues and their stubborn will...FINE, two can play at that game.

Lets see who breaks first, shall we?

ARGHHHH...I hope someone buys Trip and makes him do AWFUL things like..scrubbing boots and messing his hair and stuff, he gave me a heart attack, I think I might just buy him myself and think up some sadistic waysto get my own back...

My head is spinning, theres...6 marcs-ish, left to go and I am not fretting like a headless chicken, over nothing. It'll be alright and fun..and anything I screw up will just be..all the more fun!!

Are ya coming? COME..ya know you want to

So, I guess it's time I came back and wrote something. Tomorrow is the craziness, we've decorated the hall, all manner of wonder is happening, I am a little exicted, to say the least. Skye is gonna sing for us..YAY, no bribery involved; Bryggy is gonna create sparkly sky adornments, can't wait for that, I know she will be spectuacular. We have a fun little quiz, though I have yet to actually find some prizes for it..gah, I guess that means I am farming tomorrow.

I am glad everyone seems excited about coming, I do hope they enjoy it, I'll have to find something nice for Byrggy and Skye to say thank you...and my officers, for putting their necks on the line for me...er, it would seem I am somewhat demanding.

I finally mananged to pay Kracks back the cash, so..mornings taunting the thief have paid off, it would seem. I've been so caught up with the aftermath of Tus...and..trying so hard to keep it together and moving in ..well possibly a forward direction, I've let other things suffer I think. I need to take a little time, perhaps when the party is done, and fix everything I have let slide.

I have slept alot lately, if he isnt awake or I am not having a guild meeting, then I have resigned myself to slumber. I need to wake up and deal with things. Im worried about Emmy for a start, something or someone has upset her and grrr, I hate that I can't fix it. Sorynn worries me a little, I love her to bits, need to make sure she is alright. I miss Trippy, but hopefully he is back soon and then there is Gareth. I miss Gareth so much, it hurts.

Tomorrow...thats when I will kick myself into gear.

Irrational fear. It's curious isnt it? Your mind says there is no need for it, you cannot stop it or change it, no matter how much you worry for it..so why bother worrying? Yet, you cannot help but worry. Our insecurities are our own worst enemy. They can make us run in fear, to stop what may happen before it does happen. There is no logic in that at all, but as humans, logic matters very little where emotion is concerned.

Why does my mind swim so? There are no reasons for it, I question things when ...I have to rational excuse to question anything. Sometimes I am such a fool, I love and fear not being loved back, which in turn just makes me want to run or never love with my whole. In reality I guess that stems from not living up to peoples expectations. I have accepted what I am, others will do so or not, as they see fit.

I often ask people their deepest fear, to many and varying replies. It's one of my favourite get-to-know-you questions. Inevitably, I am asked in return. My reply is always silence, I fear the silence of laughter, the silence or voices and people, the silence of friends and family. It occured to me why I fear the silence so. When there is silence, the only thing left to focus upon is oneself.

So in turn, I guess...what I really fear is having no focus but looking at myself. To have my mind analyse my own actions. Alone we do not see our triumphs, only accentuate our tragedies and failures, only questions our actions and worth.

Really speaking, my deepest fear...is me.

While I had time to just think and not write, it occured to me I have never told anyone any of this...and for my own ..well, for my own purposes, I feel I should have it somewhere. Ignoring it doesnt make it not true.

I've been asked about my past many a time, of the time before my face flamed across the sky as I became what I am, as I am sure have you all. I've never bothered to recount it before now, it's existence does not make my future nor present, nor will it make for thrilling reading, I have no great tale of woe and triumph, no huge epic of battle and war, I have just life, just what was my life.

I always named myself an orphan, as do many others in Valorn, which in itself is not surprising, death has taken something from us all at some point. However, I guess orphan is not strictly truth, except perhaps in the broadest term of the word. I know who..knew, who my family were, it wasnt a secret, they werent royalty, nor merchants, they werent farmers nor smiths, they werent much of anything but commoners, as commoners are. I was the unwanted by-product of too many nights needing comfort. As is wont when there are already too many mouths to feed, people take the only way out they know, and dumped me at the orphanage, the little said the better, as in truth, my life there was a darn site better than it would have been with my ..family. But the streets of Dundee are piled high with the unwanted spawn of war starved families, and I was gone from the orphanage at perhaps..6 winters. It is what it is, many of you were dealt the same hand I have no doubt, and my recount of life is not for sympathy, but purely because..perhaps it is time I had a little depth to myself.

Life on the streets, it's not something you can explain to its entirety, you have to be a guttersnipe to understand a guttersnipe I guess. Yes, I stole, I cheated, I did things I will never put to paper, nor ever tell a soul. Life on the streets is...well it's hell, Im sure there is worse but it is what it is. Theres a sort of law, even at 6 you learn it, quickly. It's not something that comes over the passage of time, but in the blink of an eye. The streets are your closest friends and your worst enemies. You make acquiantances, people you seek shelter with and pick pockets with; while you are all down together, you all make your way. The second your back is turned they will have a blunt old carving knife through your gullet and your last hunk of bread from your lips as they walk away, and not lose one nights sleep over it. There is no code of justice, there are no guards or jail. It's you and just you. The law stands, keep a close eye on your belongings and a closer on that of your neighbour, if his go up, you can bet your last crumb, yours have gone down.

Sleep comes hard, you fear your enemies, more you fear your friends. No one notices a few lost urchins as the raids pile in, far from run to the defense of the town, I ran from it. Im not ashamed to admit it either. A dirty little girl, with rags for clothes and naught but an old rusty dagger for protection, was ignored by the mighty and scooped up by the demons. I was not about to be offal for the demons thank you very much. So I hid when the calls came and the hooves and feet trembled along the paths. I would watch from beneath the sewer grate as battle ensued, all manner of weapon, spell and poison. It scared me far more than my little life on the streets, all these men and women, so bold, so far removed from my little zone of..comfort. There are worse fates, people will trade in whatever can be bought and sold, and people will buy anything and everything...there are much worse fates than death to be had.

I know many of you spent childhood on the streets, none of this is new to you, none of this something you havent heard and lived through a thousand times over. I made a living through means..yes, means is what we shall call it, and living is a broad term. Im laughing as I write, it wasnt the best years of my life, but by all accounts it could have been far worse, I dont grumble about it. Im not dead, Im alive, breathing and well. It doesnt haunt my dreams, I've accepted where and what I come from, and I dont waste time lamenting over a lost youth, childhood is meant for some and not for others. We have to pick the best of our lives and concentrate, acknowledge the crap, deal with it and move on.

I guess in hindsight I should have been a roguess, I had talents that went that way, I suppose. I was in Dundee one day, minding my own..well okay minding someone elses business, and the most enchanting lady caught my eye, she had an aura about her. I'll not write her name, though I remember her distinctly. I wanted that, to be more than guttersnipe.

So now I am...well, now I am guttersnipe in a red robe; still an urchin, but at least an urchin who doesnt have to walk.

I have everything and nothing to write. Did I lose you for so long that I now cannot seem to find words to grace your pages? We shall see.

I worry. Im trying hard with the guild, to be...well, a leader. Not to just let it bimble along on it's own, but to actually be a part of it; guide, learn, help. I dont know, sometimes we all have bad days, and expending energy just ..doesnt come easy. I dont want to let them down, I want to replay the faith they put in me...Im trying, i want it to be enough. Maybe when things settle down a little, this will all be easier.

There is no retreat. Where would I go? The dance plays out, I no longer hold the strings. We are swept along by the music, and the beat keeps time to the throb of my pulse, the sound of my breath. As my pulse quickens, so the dance does also. Twisting and dangerous, or heated and full of fire, the steps lost , the movements unnoticed. Then it slows as the rise and fall of my chest slows...it purrs along, meandering and teasing, but no less a dance. Just one to a different tune.

Have you ever really danced, I mean..let yourself be free and just danced, feet bare and touching the earth, no sound, no thought...just..let go? Me either, but I think I am about to.

You know, I do not know anything about him other than pretty much what I have learnt through just..knowing him. When I hear rumour, I just..I cant even pin it to the same person. I think it comes down to a question of people only seeing what they want to. Sometimes it's good to remember things, people, have dimensions...just because you can't see them doesnt mean they do not exist.

Often, without meaning to, we hide that which is most vulnerable in ourselves. Some hide it with brashness, some manage confidence, others by redirection, some with a joke, some by running...some of us manage it with smiles and winks. Really all we are doing, is turning onour defense mechanisms, self preservation, if you cant see it, it cant be hurt. Silly really, but we are just human?

He said he had listened to rumour about me. I am so naive, I honestly did not think there would be much more said of me than in passing. Why would someone have anything to say about me? I guess what I mean is, why would anyone bother? Like I said, naive...sometimes I dont see the woods for the trees, I really dont.

There was a little warrior today, he sent me a bird, it chattered in my ear about songs and words and masters, the most curious little thing I ever saw...and when it was done, it nestled amongst the collar of my robes and promptly went to sleep, as bold as brass. Curious.

I wonder sometimes, though I know it to be a futile endeavour; how do we ever know we have made the right choice. I know to worry for the future is to send yourself to an early grave, what will be, will be; and to regret over the past is to wither through the future, what has gone, is done. Knowing something and actually accepting and adhering to it are two different concepts I fear.

I feel heavy, of heart and soul. I am trying to smile and be..oh I dont know what Im doing anymore. So much loss and it seems so much pain. Harsh words and rash decisions, thats all my life seems to be filled with. Most of the time I want to hide from it, but now more than ever, I cannot.

I miss the days when life was easy, when my worries and cares amounted to finding a few glowies and having enough plat for ale. Alas, even then I created some monster of a problem for myself so often. Can't help myself really, I think I am some kind of lode stone; I only seem to shine when there's at least some sort os small problem happening...I attract it.

For once I want something pure and clean, not shadowed by whispered words and secrets. I want something true, but ..I question myself, I question my decisions and I question, well, everything. I have been honest with him, I told him of my monogamic issues of the past, of my fear to commit, of my flighty nature and of my inevitability to create ..issues. I told him of Gareth and how I set him, or maybe myself..free. Maybe both of us, though it leaves us both a little less for it I think, me certainly.

So, no secrets, no anything. Just me, and thats where it all falls down, but this time it's truly all I have. Great to look at, fun for a while, looks good on your arm and makes you smile and laugh for a bit. Not something you really want to keep though. Gods, I sound like such a screw up, true to form..consitancy, one talent I do have.

He says he's too complicated, I fear I am too simple.

So..indeed, two weeks from today all manner of hammer craziness will be let loose. Formal attire, I cannot wait. Yes, I admit it..Im excited about playing at beign an aristocrat for the night, what the hey. It will be nice to wear something that isnt rags for training. Im kinda hoping the prize of ingots inspires people to have a go...it'll be fun, we have all put alot of work into it and I want to see people smile.

So yes, menial labour. Whoever wins the bids, wins the servant for a night. Well, duration of the party anyway..and within reason, we will be performing whatever whim they desire. Gods we must be insane. It pushes the boundaries a bit and it's all in good fun, so hopefully, people will be there and there will be at least some bids. If only to see up polish with our hair.

And to top it all off, the cash raised will be prize funds for the little comeptition..so the more participation the more fun. Plus I get to parade around in my temple best...cant be bad!!

I talked to the cleric, we came to the conclusion that..we had tried enough for so long that it was just time to try another path. I do care for him, so deeply, but when things screw up that many times..it's time to realise done is done. Though I will never lose him from my life, we have just..adjusted our viewpoints.

He was ..upset, though he did not show it, and I think the stress of the day had gotten to him a little, so I spent time entertaining him. Well, boring him to tears more like it but it will do. I dont think he knows quite what to do with me...we will see, we have the now.